Peeling back the layers

When Agastya contacted me last December to invite me to get involved with Pratidhwani's production of Mahesh Dattani's Dance like a Man this summer in Seattle, I remember the distinct feeling of my heart going - 'oh yesss!'

I fell in love with this play way back when and right from the first table read with the group in March, I felt it in my bones that this was going to be a terrific experience. The stimulating discussion right after the reading made me grab a copy of the script right away and I'll admit I spent a fair amount of time reading and re-reading it.

As I pulled the lists of props and costumes, I marveled at the deft composition within the two acts… the layer upon layer that Dattani has added for each character. And the myriad questions he forces us to confront within ourselves.

While it is easy to see Jairaj in the image of his father Amritlal due to the built-in transitions, they are different on so many counts. And yet, when Jai speaks about his son, he can't escape projecting his own desires by wanting to 'make him into a dancer' so he can dance on his own father's head. Talk about the eternal "circle of life"!

The other aspect I enjoyed tremendously in this play is the bouncing around of the Yin and the Yang. Such a reinforcement that each of us embody both the principles of the male and female. And certain aspects come to the fore in different situations for each of us. Like Ratna's taking charge and driving the important decisions for her family, and the nurturance that is evident in Jai's character.

This brings to mind the idea of 'Two Spirit' - a term I learned fairly recently, that is used by some indigenous North Americans to describe gender-variant individuals in their communities, specifically people who are seen as having both male and female spirits within them. This same idea has existed for a long time in Indian mythology - the "Ardhanareeshwar", which represents the synthesis of masculine and feminine energies of the universe - Purusha and Prakriti.

This idea captures the essence of this play for me… And as I sat painting an abstract interpretation of this Ardhnareeshwar, as the colors flowed, it was fascinating how some aspects of the painting were mirror images while others shaped up as unique.

Isn't this what we need to celebrate today in our world?

This melding of energies, this getting back in balance with every aspect of our own Self. And alongside, a celebration of what the 'other' is, and can be, if we move past the narrow, humanly-defined ideas of identity and gender and race, and just allow for human-BE-ing!

And just as the Shakti, the female principle of God, is inseparable from (or the same as, according to some interpretations) Shiva, the male principle of God, just as the union of these principles is exalted as the root and womb of all creation, so too is each one of us full of creative potential.

So no matter what 'choices' our parents made for us, no matter what path we may have traversed to be where we are today, no matter what anyone tells us we must or mustn't do, we owe it to ourselves to recognize our own potential and come out and play. To love, to laugh, to Live. And to share our unique art with those around us. To leave behind the labels - man/woman, black/white/brown/yellow/etc. etc. etc.

To simply, DANCE!!

Ardhnareeshwar - an abstract interpretation

PS: This painting, along with a couple more of mine and several others by local artists of Indian origin, will be on display and available for sale at ACT Theater during the run of Dance like a Man - July 24-August 9, 2015.

One step at a time

I keep on keeping on

Despite the heart wrenching moments

When my insides churn

When the fires of longing

Deeply burn

I keep on keeping on

One step at a time

Despite the heartache and pain

Knowing there's nobody to blame

Just Life at its finest

Bleakest, scariest,

Daunting, enchanting

Hypnotic, comic, poetic

Stirring me into action

Rousing me from isolation

Pushing all my buttons

Pushing my boundaries to

Express

Explore

Exhilarate

I keep on keeping on

Dogged

Determined

Drawing strength

From the faintest ray of sunshine

Pushing past my dark storms

I keep on keeping on

One step at a time

Letting Love nourish my soul

Soaking each and every pore

Letting my spirit soar

Feeling it in every heartbeat

Allowing myself to warmly greet

A new Me

Each moment

I keep on keeping on

- June 6, 2015

Pic courtesy: Holly Gregor

Reflections, in two parts...

Part 1 - The Masks

We meet, we greet

Discuss, converse

 

We part as friends

Though when 

Our meeting ends

Why do I feel 

So much worse?

 

Do we realize?

It was only

 

Masks 

That spoke

You put one on

And so did I

 

Masks to hide

The sheer terror

Of vulnerability

Masks that divide

Camouflaging possibility

Masks that disguise

The error of our ways

Or simply ritualize

This deep-rooted malaise

Masks that entertain

Some even with warpaint

 

I want to ask

That we get rid of our mask

 

I want to break out

Of this mold

And show you

In all my humility

All the chinks in my armor

With deep inner clarity

To cleanse myself

Of all that isn't truly mine

So you can see me

In my full shining glory

To open up

Your own heart

Share your own story

So we can both be

Who we're really 

Meant to be

 - March 24, 2015

Part 2 

...fragments...

We meet

We greet

Again

And over and over again

We share the laughter and tears

Our joys and our fears

Repeating the same refrain

And when the masks drop

There's a pause

We finally stop

Stop the labels and the libel

Forget the Geeta Koran or Bible

We see the tears behind the laughter

The laughter beyond the pain

The joys despite the fears

There's that Love all over again

Look around yourself

Can you find those

Shattered battered pieces

Left lying behind

This bit from someone's childhood

That from a youth

One from a lost brotherhood

The other whom no one could soothe

Fragments...

Squinting and glinting

Shards

Piercing yet hinting

When you pick up a piece of me

And I

One of yours 

The alchemy of Love binds

This new part

Makes a new whole

That leaves those old holes

Far behind

- April 18, 2015

These were born as gifts for the participants of Yoni ki Baat 2015 - a journey I took with ten incredible women that culminated in a performance where they shared their authentic stories centered around women's sexuality, and a part of Aaina - the annual festival for South Asian women hosted by Tasveer.

Picture credit: Arati Rao, to commemorate the reflection, the Aaina that is Life.

California dreaming

Photo credit: Kendra Faith

Many a steep climb

Many a rolling hill

Many moments

When time stands still

Of gorgeous sun soaked days

And warm-hearted, laughter filled stays

Of family and friends more than that

And staying close no matter what

Of cherished memories galore

And new favorites I've come to adore

Where new beginnings unfold

Where it's completely okay

To break the mold

San Francisco

You invite

The very best

From us

San Francisco

You delight

- October 20, 2014

"them"

Picture Courtesy: Wikimedia Commons

I am not "them"

And I wish today

To talk to

You

You, who look around

Whom peace has never found

Always someplace bound

Chores and tasks abound

Nose to the grindstone

Aboard a never-ending

Merry-go-round

Your own voice,

An unheard, muffled sound

You, who can't hear

Your Self

Yet think you're invincible

To you

I am invisible

You pretend

I'm not around

You, who walk past

My cardboard sign

I see the fear in your eyes

Even though you resign

Yourself to my presence

I know you'd prefer

I certainly confine

Myself to places

Where you can't see me

You, who won't pay

What you know I deserve

Yet partake happily

When I'm there to serve

Your interests

And if I observe

How unfair it is

You question my nerve

Citing how there are

Resources to conserve

You, who want to bear

Arms against me

Fearful you are

It's clear to see

No matter what my plea

You force me to flee

Since we are basically

Separated by a sea

How long will I run?

How long will you hide?

Though you ignore me

I'll always be by your side

When will you wake up?

When will you see?

When will you

Remember?

I am not

"them"

I am

Simply

You.

When will you

Remember

Who

YOU are?

-October 17, 2014

...of meeting Mahmoud

Photo Credit: Hans

I look at you
But do I really see
All who you are
Who you can really be

My thoughts run about
Voicing this doubt
Almost sort of shout
What do you see in me

Then as you start
To recognize my art
I see we're not that apart
That I can bare my heart

And as I embrace
This vulnerability 
You amaze
With your humility

You share your story
Show me some wounds
The eyes meet
The hearts greet
Scarcely any sounds

The mask drops
Time stops
I soak in your presence
Take delight in your brilliance

Now I can truly see
All who you are
Who you're meant to be

This simple exchange 
Of heartfelt stories
Your gift
A lifetime 
Of Fond memories

- Istanbul, November 23, 2014

ऊँची उड़ान - Flying High

उड़ते फिर रहें हैं ये  आसमाँ में मारे मारे  लहराते फरहाते  समेटे रहस्य अन्जाने  अनगिनत, ढेर सारे  दूर से लगें ये सब  प्यारे टिमटिमाते से तारे	There they go again Flying high Far into the sky Holding their secrets In their own mysterious way Stars twinkling Merrily winking
नाचते हैं खुद ज़रूर  नचाने का भी है फितूर  उकसा कर एक दूजे को  हो जाते हैं मग़रूर  इनका ये घमंड हमें  कर देता है मजबूर	They dance with joy Twist and shout Sometimes annoy Boasting about With their swollen pride Forcing me
तो रंग-बिरंगी पतंगों  से ख़यालों को  कलम की डोर में  खींच लेते हैं कभी	To rein in These colorful kites Of thoughts With the string Of my pen
भागते-दौड़ते  से लफ़्ज़ों को  कागज़ी  लकीरों में  भींच देते हैं कभी	And capture Those runabout Words into lines On paper when They want to break free
ढ़ील दे कर फ़िर  कभी चलते हैं कोई चाल  काट-काट कर फिर उन्हें अचानक देते हैं उछाल	A quick flick I play my trick I let them go Then cut them down Before they speak again
मांजे की धार से  कट जाती हैं उँगलियाँ  तो स्याही बन के  पन्नों पर सजती है रंगोलियाँ	The string slashes A few deep gashes The ink splashes Decorates my page Rorschachs at every stage
गर लगें आपको ये सँवाद  जैसे हो पहेलियाँ  ये सच जान लीजिये जनाब	In case you find Puzzles in your mind May I remind
आपके ख्यालों की पतंगें भी तो रोज़ करती हैं अठखेलियाँ  नाच नाच कर नित नयी  बुनतीं हैं कहानियाँ	The kites of your thoughts Too love to prance Dancing a new dance Spinning and weaving New tales daily Endlessly Eternally
-February 8, 2014	-October 17,2014

Photo Courtesy: Air-n-Water

धुँधली सी कुछ यादें - Misty Memories

याद आता है  बरामदे के कोने में पड़ा वो तख़्त  लगते थे बचपन में आप बड़े ही सख्त  छूने न देते अपने स्याही-कलम  साथी आपके तकरीबन हर दम  जहाँ देखो कागज़ ही कागज़  उर्दू में लिखे हुए कई हसीन लव्ज़	I can remember Your wooden takhat On the verandah corner How strict you seemed as you sat With your beloved companions The inkpot and fountain pen strictly off-limits Scraps of paper numbering in millions Plastered with beautiful Urdu lettering
याद आते हैं आप  बागीचे से गुलाब बटोरते हुए  कोमल सी पंखुड़ियों को  चीनी की परतों में लपेट  बरनी में उन्हें समेटते हुए  तय्यार हो जाता था जब गुलकन्द  चखाते हमें मुस्काते मन्द-मन्द  जानते थे आप यही है हमारा मनपसन्द  याद है अब भी उस पल का अनोखा आनन्द	I can remember You gathering roses from the garden Sprinkling a film of sugar On delicate petals, a labor Of love layered into the jar And when that delicious gul-kand was ready Luring us with its scent With a soft smile always steady You'd give us dollops of our favorite to taste As we gobbled it all up with haste I can still taste the sheer joy of that moment
नादान थी मैं तब  समझ न सकी थी मैं तब  कैसे आपने परिवार को होगा संभाला करना पड़ा होगा कठिन फैसला  निभाना पड़ा दुनियादारी का सिलसिला  पर साथ ही अपने हुनर को भी निखारा  लिखने का बना लिया अंदाज़ निराला	That little, innocent me Couldn't understand then How you must've taken care of the family Probably tough decisions you had to make Walk this worldly trail with actions Not always pleasant to take Yet how you still Continued to hone this skill Of writing beautiful Urdu poetry
धुंधली सी कुछ यादें ही तो बचीं हैं मेरे पास  ये सोच के कई बार मन हो जाता है उदास  काश आपकी लिखी हर बात मैं पढ़ सकती  आपकी उस खूबसूरत ज़ुबान का अर्थ जान सकती  उन हज़ारों खोये हुए पन्नों को बटोर सकती  उन्हें अपनी समझ की परतों में लपेट  मन की किसी बरनी में समेट सकती	A few misty memories are all that I have left And honestly, sometimes I do feel sad, bereft I wish I could read every line of your shaayari Could understand the meaning of every word Feel the emotions they stirred In you and gather up all Those thousands of pages of your writing Sprinkle them with my own understanding And layer them into my own storehouse
पर अब इस बात से तस्सली कर लेती हूँ   कि शायद ये लिखने का शौक  है आपकी ही विरासत   जहाँ मिले थोड़ी भी फुरसत  लिख पाना बन जाता है जैसे ज़रुरत  आप यहाँ ना होकर भी मेरे पास हैं  आपके आशीर्वादों का सदा आभास है	But now I seek solace instead With the thought that I must tread In your footsteps That perhaps this compulsion To keep writing, this incessant creation Is your true legacy So despite your absence I do feel your presence Aware always of the munificence Of your countless blessings
शायद इक खज़ाना लग गया है मेरे हाथ  देर-सवेर कुछ शब्द दे जाते हैं मेरा साथ  इनके बिना अब जीवन लगता है नीरस, खोखला  शायद इसी आरज़ू को कह देतें हैं कला  इसी ख़याल से अपने मन को बहला लेती हूँ  धुँधली यादों से खुद को सहला लेती हूँ  कविताओं की मिठास का गुलकन्द चख लेती हूँ  कुछ नगमें व गज़लें अब मैं भी गुनगुना लेती हूँ  - ५/१८/१४	Perhaps I've found a treasure Words stand by me in good measure Without them Life seems empty and hollow Perhaps this impulse is what they call art To finally learn to follow my heart With these thoughts I surrender Diverting my mind with foggy memories Tasting the gul-kand of sweet poetry Humming some songs, and at times Making my own melody - Translated 6/18/14